Ask the Homestucks!
by 1CursedAngel
Summary: "Hello there." "APPARENTLY, THIS IS," "a...PLACE..." "wHeRe YoU cAn AlL uP aNd..." "4SK US TH1NGS, H33H33!" "8ecause we apparently care." "2o you better..." "ask us s0mething, please" "otherwwise wwe wwon't have anyfin to do" ":33 *ac nods* " "D- STRONG answers always given." ")(-E-E )(-E-E!"
1. Chapter 1

- Welcome to the Trollian Chat titled: "Information About Ask the Homestucks" -

Online -

carcinoGeneticist [CG]

gallowsCalibrator [GC]

inhumanParadigm [IH]

ectobiologist [EB]

EB: hi all! :B

IH: Hello, John Human.

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

GC: NOW, NOW, K4RL3S...

EB: well asura you called us in here to tell us about your plan, didn't ya?

CG: THERE IS A PLAN?

GC: 1 DON'T C4R3 - 1 L1K3 TH3 COLOR OF 'SUR4'S T3XT, SO T3LL US 4BOUT THE PL4N!

IH: I wAS plAnning on it. AnywAys, there iS A group of people who like to follow And SpeAk About ActS thAt the twelve - oh, excuSe me, twenty-four - trollS And the now eight humAnS. They Are cAlled "fAnS". I would like to Set up A hotline of Sorts to where they could contAct uS And SpeAk with uS And AsK uS queStionS, Should they chooSe to. ThiS is populAr on the humAn webSite "Tumblr".

EB: oh i've seen those!

CG: SHUT UP AND LET THE GIRL TALK.

IH: ...I wAS done.

CG: OH.

GC: H33H33. F41L, K4RKL3S.

- inhumanParadigm [IH] adds curiousReader [CR] to chat -

CR: What r the kinda questions i can ask?

IH: Anything And everything! You cAn even ASk certAin verSionS of ourSelveS, AS well! HumAnStuck, ButlerStuck, et ceterA.

CR: How many questions can i ask?

IH: AS mAny AS you wAnt!

CR: Who can i ask?

IH: As of thiS firSt chApter, you mAy ASk the following - John, JAde, DAve, RoSe, AniSe (OC). The more queStions thiS getS, the more people Are unlocked to ASk.

IH: Thx.

IH: No problem.

- curiousReader [CR] has left the chat. -

IH: ...

CG: ...

EB: ...

GC: CR'S T3XT T4ST3D L1K3 SH1T.


	2. Chapter 2

darkgirl43255 -

1) Dave, what kind of sports do you like or are you too cool for sports?

2) Jade, which country sounds most exciting to explore?

3) John, would you change your god tier power if you could?

4) Rose, do you have any other hobbies besides knitting and writing?

5) Anise, out of John, Jade, Dave, and Rose, who do you like the most?

"DAAAAAAAAAVE! DAVEDAVEDAVEDAVE!" Anise exclaimed telepathically, running through the house and tripping over a chair, sliding on the floor and landing on her face in front of her boyfriend.

"We gots a letter!" She grinned, the mind messages making the Strider's head hurt - again.

Moments later, Dave called in the others and gestured to a video camera. "Karkat says we have to use this to talk to our fans." John explained, nodding. "All right, here we go..."

Dave sat down in a chair, his four friends standing either next to him or behind him as ruby orbs scanned the question.

"Sports, hm? I, uh, try to stay away from those. But hey, basketball's cool. Wouldn't play it, but I like to watch it." He shrugged.

"Lessee..." John murmured, scrolling down. "Jade?"

The Harley blinked a few time before grinning. "Well, Greece, of course! I've looked that one up and studied it a lot! I like the ruins and stuff." She giggled. "Jonny-boy, you're next!"

John had already read over his question and was eager to answer as he looked at the camera. "Heck no~! I love my windy thing~! Sure, Jade's got some cool powers and so do the others, but I was given the title for a reason, right?"

Rose sighed as she read over her question and nodded. 'Yes, I do. I enjoy reading about the lords of the underworld and whatnot. I draw a little as well, but not very well."

Everyone turned to look at Anise, who grinned awkwardly. How would the mute girl answer her question. Perking up, she grabbed a whiteboard and began to sketch down her answer.

"Well, I like all of my friends a lot!" The black writing read. "But, they each have their own individual traits. Dave, well, he's just there." She wrote, drawing a little heart. "John's there to make me smile, Rose and I can talk about anything, and Jadey is just my little sis! I can't pick a favorite."

She showed the board to the camera and waved. John reached over and clicked send. Instantly, another question popped up. Dave sighed and hung his head.

"Round Two start."


	3. Chapter 3

ICan'tAlwaysBeWitty -

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave . What would you and Egbert do if you were both

trapped on a raft in the middle of the ocean?

Joooooooohn. Hi.

Dave sighed, typing furiously at his computer. It was hard to type with a girl curled up in his lap. John smirked as the two prepared to answer their question.

Dave nodded and checked his watch. "Egbert and I? Hm. Dunno. I'd probably try to eat him or something, in all honesty."

John gasped in utter horror as his best friend broke out into little chuckles. "I'm only fooling with you, bro. Most likely, I'd use you as a pillow."

John sighed in relief as he answered his, uh, question? The ravenette simply waved to the camera. "Hi there!" He sent her/him a charming smile.

As the female in Dave's lap began to stir, he hit send and sent the message back, smirking.

This was actually kind of fun!


	4. Chapter 4

CrazyRandomFangirl

Dave:  
Dude, how are you so cool? Seriously, you're the coolest person I know of, second only to my older sis, and that's saying something. Respect dude. *brofist*

Jade:  
Have you ever thought about using your powers to shrink down the others to doll size so you could play house with them? I have... (little John...kawaii...) ｡-_-｡

Rose:  
You are very intelligent, I must say. (oo) But, random question, have you ever cooked before? I believe you would enjoy cooking Asian food, since it's fun yet challenging at the same time. You should give it a try! -

John:  
C-Could you, um... Could you smile? I know, it's a weird question, but you look so ...kawaii... when you smile, and when I see your smile, I break out into a fit of giggles. So, please?

Dave Strider looked up at the ceiling, yawning as a pillow was dropped on his face, followed by a familiar ravenette dork.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAVE." John exclaimed, sliding off of the Strider. "Anise started carrying me around, and I don't know what she wants! She threw me on top of - oh, what's this?" The boy in the glasses was handed a piece of paper from the mute girl with the two-toned hair.

"Egshit, it's another set of questions." Dave murmured, finally completely awake. "Go get the others - I'm moving the camera in here."

With the answering setup completely set up in the living room, the four Beta kids sat down in the living room. Anise pressed the play button on the camera and gave a thumbs up.

"Dave..." Rose murmured, handing him the transcript. "She/He wants to know why you're so cool, and is giving you a... "brofist"."

The Strider smirked. "I was born this way, baby. Raised by the coolest shit in the world. Oh, and brofist back to ya." He replied, giving a sexy smirk as he pressed his fist towards the lens.

Jade grinned as she was handed the paper. "Dollsize? Hm, I haven't though about that!" She giggled, causing John to pale and murmur something about how they're all screwed.

Rose nodded as it was her turn to answer. She smiled softly. "Well, thank you for the compliment." She continued to read. "As for cooking, well, K-,"

A bunch of actions and warning signs were then executed from the girl behind the camera. Her eyes closed and Dave groaned as he intercepted the telepathic message. " 'Nise says we're not allowed to talk about people who haven't been introduced yet... so just say "my special friend" or some shit."

Anise nodded as Rose shrugged. "Anyways, my "special friend", as Miss DeClaire asks me to keep her name secret, keeps suggesting it to me, and Jade invites me to join her in the kitchen sometimes. I will have to sit down and make a meal on my own, then."

Rose chuckled as she handed John the paper. "John, you have an unusual request." She told him as the blue-eyed boy looked over the paper. He chuckled.

"Sure thing! Anything for a fan of mine." John looked at the camera and let out a smoldering smile, giving the camera a dorky wink as he bursted into a fit of giggles. "Haha, I can't do this!"

Anise shook her head as she turned off the camera.


	5. Chapter 5

Chibi Night Angel -

Hi John!  
What would you do if you were trapped in a room and the only thing left to eat is Betty Crocker food?

Dave! You're so cool  
Anyways, who could you never stand to lose?

Rose, what's your favorite food? Would you eat it every day if you could?

Jade If you go back to any moment in time, where would you go?

Anise, if you could do any extreme thing in the world, what would it be?

Anise grinned as she set up the camera again, this time in their new set room - the living room. She plopped down in-between Jade and John as she handed the paper to John. This was another set of questions; they were apparently very, very popular!

John paled at his question and blinked. "I would starve. Plain and simple. Or, I might eat my hands..." He said as Dave took the paper from him before the ravenette puked in horror.

"Always," He chuckled at his compliment. "And the person I couldn't stand to lose?" He threw his arms around his friends and pulled the other four kids into a hug. "These dorks." He chuckled, giving each of his friends an affectionate hair tousle, causing them to exclaim in distress.

"Dave! I just fixed my hair!"

"Was that necessary, Strider?"

"Wow, Dave, that was low."

"..."

Rose snatched the paper from her ecto-brother and fixed her headband. "My favorite food is chicken parmesan and if I could, and if I didn't care for my health, I would eat it all the time, yes."

Jade giggled. "And if I could go back in time, I would probably go back in time before we knew Anise and see what she was like before we met her." With this, the ravenette extracted a grin from the Guardian.

Dave smirked. "And Anise says that she wants to go to the land of Wind and Shade." Anise nodded, giving a thumbs up. She grinned and hit send.

That was it for that one.

Next up?


	6. Chapter 6

You see the text here? Yeah, the blood red one. Not playing "Let's Pretend" here. I'm looking for Hitman!Stuck John. He here? You know, the version of John that's probably cooler than Dave here. Yeah.  
Okay, so, um, I chucked your hammer off a cliff.  
It was an accident!  
See, I was... um... fighting off a... uh... large monster bear, and he knocked it out of my hand.  
Then I ran like f*ck.  
Sorry there, Johnny-boy.  
Heheh, just kidding!  
But uh, if I ever did, then how would you react? (The writing is very shaky and you can see sweat drop on the paper. Something seems... suspicious... about this letter.)

The mafia don crumbled the paper in his hands, fixing his glasses.

"STRIDER. GET YOUR ASS IN HERE. WE'RE GOING ON A MISSION."


	7. Chapter 7

I'm back with some more questions and requests!  
1) Anise, Why can't you speak? Just wondering, not trying to pry or anything.  
2) Dave, If you were turned into a girl, would you still be badass?  
3)Rose, have you ever had long hair?  
4)Jade, Do you like any other fruits other than pumpkins?  
5) John, Could you do a handstand please?

Anise pressed the button - the camera was set up in the kitchen, as they were eating (a dinner made by Rose, thanks to a suggestion from CrazyRandomFangirl - she made chicken Parmesan).

"Anise, first question's for you." Dave said, his mouth full as he handed his girlfriend the paper. "She/He wants to know about the Accident."

Anise's fork was set gently onto her plate as she picked up her trusty whiteboard on it, writing her explanation. "Well, you see, it's a bit confusing, so be sure to pay attention. I am a Guardian of Existence, and you'll learn more about that if the bitch who's typing all of this up gets get ass in gear and finishes writing our saga, but I have a disability based on the Guardian before mine's death, in this it'd be a character who will be introduced once we hit our ten-review mark. She died due to the blood loss of having her throat cut open, so boom. No speaking for me. I can, however, write and send telepathic messages to Dave and the other Guardians, but it always gives them headaches."

Handing the paper with the questions on it back to Dave, who watched her with a careful eye as she shoveled Rose's cooking back into her mouth. "Okay..." Dave murmured, reading over his question. "A girl, huh? Damn straight. I'd be like Lara Croft or that Alice girl from Underworld. I'd be like Anise and Janey and Rose here, but with bigger tits and a sword."

Rose scoffed as she snatched the paper away from her ectobrother. "Bigger breasts and a sword, hm? How do you think Anise feels about that?" Dave looked over at his now-scowling girlfriend, who signed, "You. Me. Hallway. NOW." The couple got up and left the table.

"As for me," Rose continued, "I don't think I've ever had long hair, by my definition of long, which is about to the midsection of my back. My hair has always been styled like mine and my mother's - in this blonde bob-ish look." She explained, taking a drink of her tea. "I don't think I'll ever have my hair like that, now that I think about it..."

Rose handed the paper to her part-dog friend and watched as she grinned. "Oh, yes!" Jade exclaimed. "I love crabapples and key limes and many more! I grow lots of them, too. My favorite thing is to slap a little mayo on them and make a great, big fruit salad! Yum!" She giggled, handing the paper to John.

John looked at his question and then looked around. "I can't do one..." He murmured sadly, "not without help, and we're in the kitchen..."

It was at this point that Anise and Dave had begun strifing in the hallway, and the camera was turned off to go rescue the blonde boy from his girlfriend's wrath.


	8. Chapter 8

SHIT.  
OKAY.  
JOHN. WHOEVER SENT THAT NOTE. WAS FAKE.  
AND WHEN DID YOU STOP WORKING WITH JAKE?  
FUCK.  
OKAY.  
I AM NOT VANTAS.  
SOMEONE SIMPLY RAPED MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON.  
JESUS CHRIST.  
DON'T  
KILL  
ME.  
FUUUUCK

"What the hell are you talking about?" John asked, packing his tommy gun. "English is just away on a mission." He spat into the trashcan as he passed it, teaming up with Strider in the hallway.

"I don't care who sent it or how real it was. I'm comin' after you. Begin running." With a pushup of his glasses, John and his accomplice stormed out the famiglia's base. John was gonna get his hammer back one way or another.


	9. Chapter 9

All I can say to you guys is H-h-hi... Nice lives you're living. If you could do anything else, what would it be? In terms of jobs...  
1) John, do you know what fanfiction is? If yes, then how'd you react when you first read one? If no, then too bad, you'll be reading one anyways. In addition, I think you are way too adorable for words!  
2) Jade, how is it like being half-dog? (y) Who would you consider your best friend? I just want to say that you are ten times more badass than ever! Other than Becquerel of course.  
3) Rose, I'd assume that your favourite breed of flower would be Roses, of course but if not, what colour would you prefer? Or perhaps what is it like to having constantly analyze people and their reactions? You are absolutely gorgeous!  
4) Dave, you da man. #toomuchswag #yolo Is it confusing if you met your counterpart from all the alternate timelines so constantly? Does it take much to be ad ironic as you are? How were you like as a child then?  
5) Anise, I think you are the bee's knees! Stay fabulous dearie. /Hugs Do you think you'll ever miss Dave if he were to leave? What would you do then to make him stay with you? When will we ever see your secret friends? Would you like Meu, since both of you use sign language?[Meulin]  
Open Question: What are you currently doing apart from answering all of my questions?  
/throws magic sparkle dust and disappears, leaving generic candy behind on the ground for everyone to enjoy

* * *

The camera was moved into the living room again. Dammit, can't these people choose one place and leave it? Anyways, Rose and John were chilling out in the floor, Jade was curled up in the recliner, and Anise was sitting on the couch; Dave was lying down, his head in her lap. She was playing with his hair.

"Do we haaave to do this today?" John whined. Rose hit him with her book.

"Yes, John, we do. It's fun for the fans, and Jade complains when we go for hours without answering any." The blonde responded, handing him the question sheet. "You're up first."

John read over his question and looked up at the lens. "Yes... I know what fanfiction is. Anise and Rose write it. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ANISE SHIPS DIRK AND JAKE AS A COUPLE? IT'S SICK!"

Anise grinned and shrugged, signing the words, "Guilty as charged."

"As for my reaction?" John murmured. "It was Dirk-Jake smut that Anise had written." He shivered. "You do the math. Jade, you're next."

Jade reached for the paper and fell out of the chair as she grabbed it, face-first, emitting some giggles from the others in the room and bringing red to her cheeks as she sat up, scanning over her question.

"Well, there are ups and downs to being part dog. I apparently got the side of Bec's genes when he was in heat, so those months aren't fun... but I can smell really well and I can see in the dark! That's fun! As for best friends, I'd have to pick all of these guys! I couldn't live without them. Oh, and Bec too. Good dog - best friend. And thanks! Hehe, I try to be as badass as all these other cool-dudes."

Dave smirked as Jade handed the paper back to Rose and she hopped back up in the chair as he murmured something that sounded a lot like, "Weird little fucker."

"Ah, the age-old tease on my name." Rose chuckled. "Yes, I do happen to love roses. There is a vase of white ones in Anise's room, and I think they're delightful. I like tulips and honeysuckle as well. The aromas are quite nice. As for my psychoanalysis taking? I do not feel it is a burden, but a gift. Learning about others is a great thing, especially when you're around such interesting people like these." She laughed as she was given a hug from Anise. "And thank you for the lovely compliment. Dave?"

Dave was handed the piece of paper as Anise began to run his bangs through her fingers, messing with his hair some more. "Damn straight I'm the man. And hell yeah, it's confusing. They keep on dying and shit. I bet Anise up here thinks its heaven to be surrounded by so many attractive mofos." Anise punched her boyfriend's stomach playfully. "And it doesn't take much to be this ironic. It's all in the shades. As for me being a kid? I was a weird little shit."

Anise snapped the paper away from him, planting a kiss on his forehead as she did, emitting a chuckle from the Strider. She grabbed her whiteboard and drew a small heart, as if she was thanking the asker for his/her compliment. She chuckled as she wrote - "Heck yes I would miss him! He's such a great boyfriend, believe it or not. I've actually had to live without him for a while. It was heartbreaking. TT_TT And to make him stay with me was to be a great girlfriend in return. (I'm a dork, I know. ) As for my secret friends, well that'll take a while - I can tell you that two will join us at ten reviews, and then three more at fifteen reviews. Keep asking, guys! And, I don't think I've ever met Miss Meulin, but another of the Guardians has, and she seems very nice!"

As Anise finished answering her question, a girl in a white morphsuit with a set of brown hair emerged from the ceiling.

"H-e-l-l-o. I a-m t-h-e a-u-t-h-o-r, 1-C-u-r-s-e-d-A-n-g-e-l. I w-i-l-l a-n-s-w-e-r t-h-a-t f-i-n-a-l q-u-e-s-t-i-o-n. I h-a-v-e n-o l-i-f-e. T-h-e-s-e q-u-e-s-t-i-o-n-s a-r-e t-h-e h-i-g-h p-o-i-n-t o-f m-y d-a-y." And with that, the girl disappeared.

The four beta kids and the beta Guardian of Existence looked around.

"Yeah," Anise wrote, "she's the bitch who won't finish my story."


	10. Chapter 10

Jesus Christ John.  
Fine.  
You know what?  
(This message came 6:55 hours ago.)  
FINE. I BUNGEE-JUMPED OFF THAT GOD DAMN CLIFF AND GOT YOUR FUCKING HAMMER.  
BETTER BE READY.  
I'M GONNA HEADSHOT YOU WITH IT WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT HEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHE

* * *

John cocked his gun, sitting in his car, with Strider at his side.

He simply laughed as he went to collect his allies.

"Bring it on."


	11. Note to my Fans

I'm so done with this site.

Five instances.

Five, okay? This site isn't supposed to be run by minimods who want to rule the site.

So, I'm done.

If this chapter is on a story that you're reading right now, I'm moving it to either my Lunaescence, my deviantART, or my Wattpad account - maybe all three if I have the time to upload it to all three.

Here's how to get to those.

Luna - RyderGullwing5975

dA - 1CursedAngel

Wattpad - GoddessofConquest

I'd check the dA first and the Luna last, but that's only because the uploading on Luna is thorough and weeded through. So, yeah. 1CA out.


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